Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?

Midnight. 5 large Bacardis down. A lone figure, in the rain, walking down home on the streets of Bandra. Sober as a rock. If ever there was a movie setting in real life, this was it. I can almost hear the background score in the movie scene. Bill Withers. Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone. Or maybe U2. With or Without You. Tanhayee. From Dil Chahta Hai. In such a setting, how is a man not to think about his future? Of all the choices that lie ahead. Of the choices he must make. Not only necessary. But inevitable. Choices that he cannot share with others, for fear of being outed, or being compromised in any way. Choices that must stay deep within, coz uncovered they could unleash hell.

One can measure the depth of the ocean. Measure the distances between the satellites. Over 90 years later, they can tell us how fast the Titanic sink that cold, ill-fated night. But, how does one evaluate the veracity of the real things that matter? How many moments of joy were forever extinguished that night in 1912. The truth in a sentence spoken either in haste, or maybe even with much thought, without realizing as to what may be the possible consequences? How can we ever test the veracity of true emotion? What one feels? What one desires and to what extent? What causes happiness and what causes pain? How does one alienate oneself from all these? Can one alienate oneself from all of this? Is it possible to be human and continue to live within the confines of the same old prison walls called life. Or does one give up all hope and exist as a rock? How does one compare the euphoria of having lived ten days, with the banality of having existed the rest of your life?

Unfortunately, life is not a buffet table. One cannot pick and choose what one wants, and what one likes. It’s a fixed price menu, you get a few things. Predetermined. Its either this or that. Mashed potatoes or fries, on the side? Shake or a cola, with that? Not both. Never both. But the heart is unreasonable. Deep down, it wants it all. But, how can one tell what the heart truly wants?

If one can't tell what the heart truly wants, one just lives with one’s shallow choices and moves on...